Searching for Serenity

Hello again my old friend, it's been a long time since we've talked. Seems like I only come to you when things are going bad. Things couldn't get any worse right now. Then again knowing my luck they actually could. I'm all over the place mentally and emotionally. I just want to be back home(Maryland). I want to be around friends and family more. Age, death, surroundings, and more put things into perspective. I've lost a lot of classmates lately and it hurts. So young with so much life to live. Now they're gone forever, way too soon nonetheless. Leaving behind grief stricken loved ones and great memories. My brother and my mother are the strongest people I know. I turn to them for motivation when I need it. Recently that hasn't been enough though. I've lost my way in this thing called life. I'm getting closer to 30 so maybe that has a lot to do with it. You start to think about things more you know. Starting a family, career, being more stable, etc. There's this great female and I might've missed my chance with her. We were both into each other but I reverted back to my old self and shut her out. I had several moments of clarity yesterday and expressed how I felt to her. She asked why I was showing consistency all of sudden. Basically why bother now and stuff like that. The heart is a funny thing sometimes. Rarely on the same page as the mind but when it is connected it's truly beautiful. I've been writing music a lot lately and it actually means something once again. I've also started back writing this movie script that I began YEARS ago. Early process of some cosmetics and clothing stuff too. Also thinking about writing a pilot for a tv show, we'll see though. Life is hectic right now but I'll make sense of it. I have to there's no other choice right? As always thanks for listening my old friend I really appreciate it. Until next time...

Song of the day: "Something worth saving" -Gavin DeGraw

Quote of the day:

“Sometimes you don’t realize your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness.” —Susan Gale

Life

It's been awhile, almost forgot I had this honestly. Life Is a complete mess right now. I'm crying as I write this. What can I say shit happens you know? I'm looking around and everyone Is getting their happiness. My bro is having a child with his wife. My sis just had her first child with her husband. My ex who carried my child at one time had a baby. Someone who I wanted so bad just got married. My homie Rozay Is getting married. My bro moved back to Maryland. The only person I want I can't have. I've lost most of the friendships that meant something. I don't talk to my bestfriend Angelica at all. Music is the one thing that kept me going and I lost the passion for that. For the first time In a long time I'm battling depression. I'm actually happy for everyone's else happiness. It's just like when will I get my turn? I've always been there for everyone and always been a good person. I guess age is starting to creep in. I'll be 25 in less than a year. I'm not where I want to be, not even close. I believed it would always be easy. I'm finding out that It's nowhere near easy. I'm trapped In a losing situation and some days I want to tap out. How many blows can you take before you just stay down? It gets harder and harder to get up off the mat. On a more positive note I have a great job doing what I love. Working with mentally challenged and disabled people. On my worst days they make me smile and feel grateful. I have a wonderful niece, nephews, baby bros and sis who do the same. They few people I do have left are great people. I can't get my mom to a better place and it breaks my heart. Man she deserves the world and I can't give it to her. She sacrificed so much for me, raised me the right way, taught me to be a man. Sometimes she'd work 3 jobs to make sure I had what I needed. I hate not being able to help the people I love. This can't be life, I have to have a greater purpose. I'll find It and change everything around. I hide it all with smiles and laughter but I'm dying on the inside. They say It's darkest before the dawn. I'm waiting for that dawn to come. BPL started today and my team Manchester United won 1-0. Football(preseason) starts tomorrow
(well today). In closing, that's what made me write his blog tonight. All of the HOF Inductees mentioned family, wives, and legacy. At some point the money stops being enough and you need more. It means nothing to have the world if you can't share it with someone. With that someone you have kids and they become your legacy. I have to take life more seriously man. I've been here for almost 25 years and have nothing to show for It. Thanks for always giving me an outlet to release my thoughts.

Song of The Day: Human Nature - Michael Jackson

Quote of The Day: "When you put a ceiling on what I can be or say I can't do something that's where you fucked up. I'll prove your ass wrong every single time. I ain't afraid of hard work. I'll out work every motherfucker there is to get where I want to go" -Stone Cold Steve Austin

It's Been Forever

Well looked who decided to blog again. It's definitely been awhile lol. A lot can change in a little amount of time. It's just 2 months and counting until I return back home to Maryland. It'll literally be a fresh start for me. I'm leaving everything that has happened in the last 2 years behind. Mentally deleted the past this week(well most of it). Finally put that scrap/memory book I bought to use. I've realized something about every female I've had an emotional connection with. They're either pregnant, married, had a baby, or dating. The one that broke the camel's back is dating someone else now. It was unrealistic to expect her to wait for me. I mean life happens right? Nobody sits in one place and waits do they? Then the ex I spent 2 years with is pregnant. Which I don't mind except she lost our kid so I think about that. So I decided to bury all of that and live in the present. 25 is approaching and I'm nowhere near the place in life I want to be. This new start in Maryland will give me that. It's one I have my eye on. She's single and perfect but it's another "wait for me" situation. Idk time will tell I guess. Either way I'm just focusing on me this time. I see why they say live in the moment. The past is done and we aren't promised/can't control the future.

Song of The Day: Yonkers -  Tyler The Creator

Quote of The Day "Can't is the cancer of happen" -Charlie Sheen

The Past

Had a great night so I decided to write a blog. My ex(who turned into my bestfriend) hit me up. I haven't talked to her in forever but I still thought about her a lot. She's going through some life changing shit and I hope she makes it out ok. When we first got together I knew we were on borrowed time. Our time together was great and afterwards we drifted apart. Most of our convo tonight was about the past and It brought back so many memories. Lately I've been thinking about other parts of my past too. Like how i didn't pursue football or how I fell for my bestfriend at once. Most importantly I've been thinking about my relationship with my father. I don't want to wait until It's too late to build that bond. Sure he chose to be absent during my first 23 years on earth but everyone deserves a second chance. I don't want him to be on his deathbed and I never got the chance to have him in my life. Some people lose their fathers to death or they never get to meet them. Then I've been thinking about moving to Georgia. It seemed great at first but In reality I actually did better back home In Maryland. At the end of this year I have a decision to make on where I'm moving to. I finished One Tree Hill(well seasons 1-6 and 3 episodes from season 9) I watched Lucas come back, Dan's death, and the finale. Sometimes we get tired of during the same stuff over and over so we venture into other things. I'm at that point so I'm looking into finding successful investments. It's 6am and I haven't slept all night, gn/gm and thanks for reading.

Song of the Day: Paradise - Chris Cab

Quote of the Day:  “Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.” - Mitch Albom

I'm Back

So I've been away for a little while, needed a mental break. The Irony is I write these blogs for that very same getaway. Life gets rough at times, rougher than some people will ever know. At times we often wear a smile but the people who know us best can see It's a facade. The last couple of weeks I've been In a disturbing place mentally. I'm feeling a lot better now but I had to make tough decisions. I had to accept the fact that sometimes we need to be alone. Too often we keep people around that bring us down. Whether It's negativity, using us, drama, or whatever the case may be. It's toxic and I've been poisoned long enough. So I started a clean slate and I'm ok with It. No leeches, no being in love, no being dependent on people. Independence Is a beautiful thing and most people don't have the courage to seek It. The fear of being alone or having no one there Is too much. I've always feared that and failure but then It hit me. In life we come up short sometimes I had to learn It's ok to fail sometimes. Those who care or love you will accept those failures. Those who don't care or love you will use them to attack you. What you do in your moment of failure could make or break you. You're not going to win every single time you try something. Also I learned that not everyone can be the QB that has the game winning drive or be the star that hits the game winning shot. We all can't be Messi and score the game winning goal that keeps our country alive in the world cup. We all can't be Sidney Crosby or win a grammy. Doesn't mean we can't dream or want that right? Too often people stop dreaming or stop setting goals and give up. As a person who's been there I promise It's not the way to go. You either live to regret It or learn to be ok with It. Honestly I'm lost somewhere In the middle of the two. Football and music are two things I cared deeply about and I stopped loving both. What I wouldn't give to perform In front of a crowd that knows my songs. To hear people sing the words I wrote to describe my life. You live with the choices you make and can either strive for me more or be content. Those same choices are there when It comes to love. There's two sides to love, pain and joy. That's false, there's a third side that combines both called Sacrifice. When one does something that will cause them pain just to see another person experience happiness. These are the strongest type of people, to give up your heart's desire. They say If you love a person you'll do whatever to make them happy. Even If It means going through hell ourselves. Robert Heinlein once said “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” I guess that expression "If you love something set It free" falls under the same boat. Sacrifice comes in other forms too trust me I know. What happens when you get tired of sacrificing to make others happy? Do you become a villain or do people applaud your courage to take a stand? Time will tell my friends, thanks for reading. I'll be posting a lot less, hope you'll still come back each time.

Song of The Day: Chariot - Gavin DeGraw

Quote of The Day: “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” - Robert Fulghum

My Thoughts Day 9

This is Wednesday's blog, I always get behind lol. Let's see I missed worked and watched One Tree Hill all day. Got paid which my friend Bills always has it's hand out. When I'm playing catch up some blogs will be short.

Song of the Day: Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru

Quote of the Day: "Yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"

Random Thoughts

So I usually wait until the end of my day to post but I have some things on my mind. I chose health(mental and physical) over money. I'll find a way to survive in the mean time. I've been doing some reflecting lately. They say every choice you make will outline your future. Looking at how things are I would have to agree. I never realized how the choices we make affect others. High school was a safe haven then you have to go into the real world lol. Life hits everybody hard some just take the punch some hit back. I miss the times when life was easy man lol. I'm growing a beard now, a lot of great men had beards. I now enter that great club lol. I was gonna blab on about a lot of stuff but I think I'll write some music. Another way to help me clear my mind.