It's Been Forever

Well looked who decided to blog again. It's definitely been awhile lol. A lot can change in a little amount of time. It's just 2 months and counting until I return back home to Maryland. It'll literally be a fresh start for me. I'm leaving everything that has happened in the last 2 years behind. Mentally deleted the past this week(well most of it). Finally put that scrap/memory book I bought to use. I've realized something about every female I've had an emotional connection with. They're either pregnant, married, had a baby, or dating. The one that broke the camel's back is dating someone else now. It was unrealistic to expect her to wait for me. I mean life happens right? Nobody sits in one place and waits do they? Then the ex I spent 2 years with is pregnant. Which I don't mind except she lost our kid so I think about that. So I decided to bury all of that and live in the present. 25 is approaching and I'm nowhere near the place in life I want to be. This new start in Maryland will give me that. It's one I have my eye on. She's single and perfect but it's another "wait for me" situation. Idk time will tell I guess. Either way I'm just focusing on me this time. I see why they say live in the moment. The past is done and we aren't promised/can't control the future.

Song of The Day: Yonkers -  Tyler The Creator

Quote of The Day "Can't is the cancer of happen" -Charlie Sheen

The Past

Had a great night so I decided to write a blog. My ex(who turned into my bestfriend) hit me up. I haven't talked to her in forever but I still thought about her a lot. She's going through some life changing shit and I hope she makes it out ok. When we first got together I knew we were on borrowed time. Our time together was great and afterwards we drifted apart. Most of our convo tonight was about the past and It brought back so many memories. Lately I've been thinking about other parts of my past too. Like how i didn't pursue football or how I fell for my bestfriend at once. Most importantly I've been thinking about my relationship with my father. I don't want to wait until It's too late to build that bond. Sure he chose to be absent during my first 23 years on earth but everyone deserves a second chance. I don't want him to be on his deathbed and I never got the chance to have him in my life. Some people lose their fathers to death or they never get to meet them. Then I've been thinking about moving to Georgia. It seemed great at first but In reality I actually did better back home In Maryland. At the end of this year I have a decision to make on where I'm moving to. I finished One Tree Hill(well seasons 1-6 and 3 episodes from season 9) I watched Lucas come back, Dan's death, and the finale. Sometimes we get tired of during the same stuff over and over so we venture into other things. I'm at that point so I'm looking into finding successful investments. It's 6am and I haven't slept all night, gn/gm and thanks for reading.

Song of the Day: Paradise - Chris Cab

Quote of the Day:  “Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.” - Mitch Albom

I'm Back

So I've been away for a little while, needed a mental break. The Irony is I write these blogs for that very same getaway. Life gets rough at times, rougher than some people will ever know. At times we often wear a smile but the people who know us best can see It's a facade. The last couple of weeks I've been In a disturbing place mentally. I'm feeling a lot better now but I had to make tough decisions. I had to accept the fact that sometimes we need to be alone. Too often we keep people around that bring us down. Whether It's negativity, using us, drama, or whatever the case may be. It's toxic and I've been poisoned long enough. So I started a clean slate and I'm ok with It. No leeches, no being in love, no being dependent on people. Independence Is a beautiful thing and most people don't have the courage to seek It. The fear of being alone or having no one there Is too much. I've always feared that and failure but then It hit me. In life we come up short sometimes I had to learn It's ok to fail sometimes. Those who care or love you will accept those failures. Those who don't care or love you will use them to attack you. What you do in your moment of failure could make or break you. You're not going to win every single time you try something. Also I learned that not everyone can be the QB that has the game winning drive or be the star that hits the game winning shot. We all can't be Messi and score the game winning goal that keeps our country alive in the world cup. We all can't be Sidney Crosby or win a grammy. Doesn't mean we can't dream or want that right? Too often people stop dreaming or stop setting goals and give up. As a person who's been there I promise It's not the way to go. You either live to regret It or learn to be ok with It. Honestly I'm lost somewhere In the middle of the two. Football and music are two things I cared deeply about and I stopped loving both. What I wouldn't give to perform In front of a crowd that knows my songs. To hear people sing the words I wrote to describe my life. You live with the choices you make and can either strive for me more or be content. Those same choices are there when It comes to love. There's two sides to love, pain and joy. That's false, there's a third side that combines both called Sacrifice. When one does something that will cause them pain just to see another person experience happiness. These are the strongest type of people, to give up your heart's desire. They say If you love a person you'll do whatever to make them happy. Even If It means going through hell ourselves. Robert Heinlein once said “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” I guess that expression "If you love something set It free" falls under the same boat. Sacrifice comes in other forms too trust me I know. What happens when you get tired of sacrificing to make others happy? Do you become a villain or do people applaud your courage to take a stand? Time will tell my friends, thanks for reading. I'll be posting a lot less, hope you'll still come back each time.

Song of The Day: Chariot - Gavin DeGraw

Quote of The Day: “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” - Robert Fulghum

My Thoughts Day 9

This is Wednesday's blog, I always get behind lol. Let's see I missed worked and watched One Tree Hill all day. Got paid which my friend Bills always has it's hand out. When I'm playing catch up some blogs will be short.

Song of the Day: Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru

Quote of the Day: "Yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"

Random Thoughts

So I usually wait until the end of my day to post but I have some things on my mind. I chose health(mental and physical) over money. I'll find a way to survive in the mean time. I've been doing some reflecting lately. They say every choice you make will outline your future. Looking at how things are I would have to agree. I never realized how the choices we make affect others. High school was a safe haven then you have to go into the real world lol. Life hits everybody hard some just take the punch some hit back. I miss the times when life was easy man lol. I'm growing a beard now, a lot of great men had beards. I now enter that great club lol. I was gonna blab on about a lot of stuff but I think I'll write some music. Another way to help me clear my mind.

My Thoughts Day 8

Finally caught up man, I don't know how I made It through today. My boss took the punk way out and left this lady In charge. I dealt with this at my very first job and I don't know If I can handle It again. Management fucks up and blames It on us. Yeah you can suck my dick with that one punk motherfuckers. So I found out I might have a heart condition today. As If I needed more things on my plate. It could be a false flag because of all the stress I've been going through lately. If I do have one I don't know what I'll do. Guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to It right? There has to be a better way of living than this. I'm thinking about going back to school to find a career. Something I love like social work or with computers. These 9-5's are not getting It done man. I slept as soon as I get off which I know Is a mistake. I'm just mentally all over the place right now. I told my bros earlier about the heart thing and right on cue they provided the laughs I needed. The person I want to talk to the most seems so distant at the time I need them the most. Life just happens that way I suppose. I have a couple of tough decisions to make. In the meantime I'm going to just get this money baby(Johnny Manziel finger rub followed by a Birdman Hand Rub lol). Clan wars start tomorrow, I think I'm going to sit this one out. Which kinda sucks because we're one win away from Diamond Division(Sorry to all the non COD people lol). Think I'm going to finish watching the One Tree Hill series. Thought It was bringing back too many memories but the past Is the past. I found out one of my closest friends lost her Grandma today. I can't imagine losing mine, glad I got to see her when I visited home. Time to try and get some sleep, long day at work tomorrow. Adios amigos and amigas.

Song of The Day: Ain't No Grave - Johnny Cash

Quote of The Day: “Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.”
― Ernest Hemingway

My Thoughts Day 7

This is yesterday's blog, It was a great day. I missed work for the 3rd time In 2 weeks. Things are a mess right now they really are. I guess things can only go up from here right? I woke up to a package from a friend. She told me she had sent It but I was going through so much I forgot. I opened It up and saw an envelope, an Eagles blanket, and the dvd Silver Linings Playbook. I smiled instantly because It was just what I needed. I read the note and It was nice and Geeky lol. I watched Raw, when I saw Hulk Hogan I thought about Booker T lls. "Hulk Hogan, we coming for you nicca" lmao. Afterwards I watched the dvd, I got tired of hearing DeSean Jackson name, It was good to see a movie about my Eagles. I talked to her about where she wanted to move and stuff like that. The places she named I hate, so I was like yeah. I plan on moving at the end of yeah and have itdown to LA, Maryland/DC, Florida, Utah, Seattle, or a different part of Georgia. Each place has something to offer, I just have to go to a place that makes me happy. I realize now that fairy tales don't exist, well at least outside of movies anyway. It's ok to dream as long as you're ready for reality. Sometimes the things we want aren't the things we need. So with that being said I'm slowly falling back as the feelings I have for this person fades. We're just at two different places in life and I don't see It working. If I'm ever going to get somewhere in life I need to focus on me. Maybe this is for the best I guess. I often listen to music in my bed at night to calm me down and help me fall asleep. I found out Robin Williams passed away from suicide. I can never imagine what would drive a person to suicide, All we can do Is pray for anybody that Is driven to that point. I've had several bouts with depression myself but mine have come from Insomnia. Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Flubber, Aladdin just to name a few. All made my childhood better. Thank you Mr. Williams, may you rest and find the peace that eluded you on earth. I hope Mike Brown can find that same peace. Nobody deserves to have their life taken like that. Thoughts and Prayers with his family & friends. Well my mind Is empty, thanks for reading.

Song of The Day: Waiting on the World To Change - John Mayer

Quote of The Day: “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

― Oscar Wilde