It's Been Forever

Well looked who decided to blog again. It's definitely been awhile lol. A lot can change in a little amount of time. It's just 2 months and counting until I return back home to Maryland. It'll literally be a fresh start for me. I'm leaving everything that has happened in the last 2 years behind. Mentally deleted the past this week(well most of it). Finally put that scrap/memory book I bought to use. I've realized something about every female I've had an emotional connection with. They're either pregnant, married, had a baby, or dating. The one that broke the camel's back is dating someone else now. It was unrealistic to expect her to wait for me. I mean life happens right? Nobody sits in one place and waits do they? Then the ex I spent 2 years with is pregnant. Which I don't mind except she lost our kid so I think about that. So I decided to bury all of that and live in the present. 25 is approaching and I'm nowhere near the place in life I want to be. This new start in Maryland will give me that. It's one I have my eye on. She's single and perfect but it's another "wait for me" situation. Idk time will tell I guess. Either way I'm just focusing on me this time. I see why they say live in the moment. The past is done and we aren't promised/can't control the future.

Song of The Day: Yonkers -  Tyler The Creator

Quote of The Day "Can't is the cancer of happen" -Charlie Sheen

The Past

Had a great night so I decided to write a blog. My ex(who turned into my bestfriend) hit me up. I haven't talked to her in forever but I still thought about her a lot. She's going through some life changing shit and I hope she makes it out ok. When we first got together I knew we were on borrowed time. Our time together was great and afterwards we drifted apart. Most of our convo tonight was about the past and It brought back so many memories. Lately I've been thinking about other parts of my past too. Like how i didn't pursue football or how I fell for my bestfriend at once. Most importantly I've been thinking about my relationship with my father. I don't want to wait until It's too late to build that bond. Sure he chose to be absent during my first 23 years on earth but everyone deserves a second chance. I don't want him to be on his deathbed and I never got the chance to have him in my life. Some people lose their fathers to death or they never get to meet them. Then I've been thinking about moving to Georgia. It seemed great at first but In reality I actually did better back home In Maryland. At the end of this year I have a decision to make on where I'm moving to. I finished One Tree Hill(well seasons 1-6 and 3 episodes from season 9) I watched Lucas come back, Dan's death, and the finale. Sometimes we get tired of during the same stuff over and over so we venture into other things. I'm at that point so I'm looking into finding successful investments. It's 6am and I haven't slept all night, gn/gm and thanks for reading.

Song of the Day: Paradise - Chris Cab

Quote of the Day:  “Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.” - Mitch Albom

I'm Back

So I've been away for a little while, needed a mental break. The Irony is I write these blogs for that very same getaway. Life gets rough at times, rougher than some people will ever know. At times we often wear a smile but the people who know us best can see It's a facade. The last couple of weeks I've been In a disturbing place mentally. I'm feeling a lot better now but I had to make tough decisions. I had to accept the fact that sometimes we need to be alone. Too often we keep people around that bring us down. Whether It's negativity, using us, drama, or whatever the case may be. It's toxic and I've been poisoned long enough. So I started a clean slate and I'm ok with It. No leeches, no being in love, no being dependent on people. Independence Is a beautiful thing and most people don't have the courage to seek It. The fear of being alone or having no one there Is too much. I've always feared that and failure but then It hit me. In life we come up short sometimes I had to learn It's ok to fail sometimes. Those who care or love you will accept those failures. Those who don't care or love you will use them to attack you. What you do in your moment of failure could make or break you. You're not going to win every single time you try something. Also I learned that not everyone can be the QB that has the game winning drive or be the star that hits the game winning shot. We all can't be Messi and score the game winning goal that keeps our country alive in the world cup. We all can't be Sidney Crosby or win a grammy. Doesn't mean we can't dream or want that right? Too often people stop dreaming or stop setting goals and give up. As a person who's been there I promise It's not the way to go. You either live to regret It or learn to be ok with It. Honestly I'm lost somewhere In the middle of the two. Football and music are two things I cared deeply about and I stopped loving both. What I wouldn't give to perform In front of a crowd that knows my songs. To hear people sing the words I wrote to describe my life. You live with the choices you make and can either strive for me more or be content. Those same choices are there when It comes to love. There's two sides to love, pain and joy. That's false, there's a third side that combines both called Sacrifice. When one does something that will cause them pain just to see another person experience happiness. These are the strongest type of people, to give up your heart's desire. They say If you love a person you'll do whatever to make them happy. Even If It means going through hell ourselves. Robert Heinlein once said “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” I guess that expression "If you love something set It free" falls under the same boat. Sacrifice comes in other forms too trust me I know. What happens when you get tired of sacrificing to make others happy? Do you become a villain or do people applaud your courage to take a stand? Time will tell my friends, thanks for reading. I'll be posting a lot less, hope you'll still come back each time.

Song of The Day: Chariot - Gavin DeGraw

Quote of The Day: “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.” - Robert Fulghum

My Thoughts Day 9

This is Wednesday's blog, I always get behind lol. Let's see I missed worked and watched One Tree Hill all day. Got paid which my friend Bills always has it's hand out. When I'm playing catch up some blogs will be short.

Song of the Day: Simple and Clean - Utada Hikaru

Quote of the Day: "Yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"

Random Thoughts

So I usually wait until the end of my day to post but I have some things on my mind. I chose health(mental and physical) over money. I'll find a way to survive in the mean time. I've been doing some reflecting lately. They say every choice you make will outline your future. Looking at how things are I would have to agree. I never realized how the choices we make affect others. High school was a safe haven then you have to go into the real world lol. Life hits everybody hard some just take the punch some hit back. I miss the times when life was easy man lol. I'm growing a beard now, a lot of great men had beards. I now enter that great club lol. I was gonna blab on about a lot of stuff but I think I'll write some music. Another way to help me clear my mind.

My Thoughts Day 8

Finally caught up man, I don't know how I made It through today. My boss took the punk way out and left this lady In charge. I dealt with this at my very first job and I don't know If I can handle It again. Management fucks up and blames It on us. Yeah you can suck my dick with that one punk motherfuckers. So I found out I might have a heart condition today. As If I needed more things on my plate. It could be a false flag because of all the stress I've been going through lately. If I do have one I don't know what I'll do. Guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to It right? There has to be a better way of living than this. I'm thinking about going back to school to find a career. Something I love like social work or with computers. These 9-5's are not getting It done man. I slept as soon as I get off which I know Is a mistake. I'm just mentally all over the place right now. I told my bros earlier about the heart thing and right on cue they provided the laughs I needed. The person I want to talk to the most seems so distant at the time I need them the most. Life just happens that way I suppose. I have a couple of tough decisions to make. In the meantime I'm going to just get this money baby(Johnny Manziel finger rub followed by a Birdman Hand Rub lol). Clan wars start tomorrow, I think I'm going to sit this one out. Which kinda sucks because we're one win away from Diamond Division(Sorry to all the non COD people lol). Think I'm going to finish watching the One Tree Hill series. Thought It was bringing back too many memories but the past Is the past. I found out one of my closest friends lost her Grandma today. I can't imagine losing mine, glad I got to see her when I visited home. Time to try and get some sleep, long day at work tomorrow. Adios amigos and amigas.

Song of The Day: Ain't No Grave - Johnny Cash

Quote of The Day: “Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.”
― Ernest Hemingway

My Thoughts Day 7

This is yesterday's blog, It was a great day. I missed work for the 3rd time In 2 weeks. Things are a mess right now they really are. I guess things can only go up from here right? I woke up to a package from a friend. She told me she had sent It but I was going through so much I forgot. I opened It up and saw an envelope, an Eagles blanket, and the dvd Silver Linings Playbook. I smiled instantly because It was just what I needed. I read the note and It was nice and Geeky lol. I watched Raw, when I saw Hulk Hogan I thought about Booker T lls. "Hulk Hogan, we coming for you nicca" lmao. Afterwards I watched the dvd, I got tired of hearing DeSean Jackson name, It was good to see a movie about my Eagles. I talked to her about where she wanted to move and stuff like that. The places she named I hate, so I was like yeah. I plan on moving at the end of yeah and have itdown to LA, Maryland/DC, Florida, Utah, Seattle, or a different part of Georgia. Each place has something to offer, I just have to go to a place that makes me happy. I realize now that fairy tales don't exist, well at least outside of movies anyway. It's ok to dream as long as you're ready for reality. Sometimes the things we want aren't the things we need. So with that being said I'm slowly falling back as the feelings I have for this person fades. We're just at two different places in life and I don't see It working. If I'm ever going to get somewhere in life I need to focus on me. Maybe this is for the best I guess. I often listen to music in my bed at night to calm me down and help me fall asleep. I found out Robin Williams passed away from suicide. I can never imagine what would drive a person to suicide, All we can do Is pray for anybody that Is driven to that point. I've had several bouts with depression myself but mine have come from Insomnia. Jumanji, Mrs. Doubtfire, Flubber, Aladdin just to name a few. All made my childhood better. Thank you Mr. Williams, may you rest and find the peace that eluded you on earth. I hope Mike Brown can find that same peace. Nobody deserves to have their life taken like that. Thoughts and Prayers with his family & friends. Well my mind Is empty, thanks for reading.

Song of The Day: Waiting on the World To Change - John Mayer

Quote of The Day: “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

― Oscar Wilde

My Thoughts Day 6

This is Sunday's post, honestly much didn't happen. I relaxed all day and watched reruns of the preseason games. I can't wait for football to be back next month. This probably be one of the shortest blogs I write. Simply because I have 3 to write lol.

Song of The Day: White Houses - Vanessa Carlton

Quote of The Day: “Art and love are the same thing: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.”
― Chuck Klosterman,

My Thoughts Day 5

"There is not a fiercer hell than the failure in a great object." - John Keates 

Not everyone hits the game winning shot, the game winning field goal isn't always kicked. In life we have failures some more than others. They say there's no true appreciation for success until you encounter failure. They're right, It's because of my horrible failures that In my moments of success I truly cherish them. Just like we can't find true love/happiness without enduring pain and sorrow. I've failed in all areas of life and It's made me stronger. Especially love, I didn't realize it at the time but I had a great person. I let everyone around me ruin that happiness. I'm so selfless that I try to please everyone except myself. I was young and she was younger but I was happy and she was great. Everybody else got what they wanted and I ended up with nothing. That was 2 years ago and I've finally found the ability to let go. I've moved on and left everything in the past. I've found a new side of me, a side that can be selfish. This new side posses the ability to say no, the ability to care about himself. We make mistakes and we learn from them, that's the great thing about life. I've learned from those mistakes and I'm a better person because of it. The saying is that we're born alone and we die alone. I don't believe that, sure we technically die alone but in the process we have people with us who care. I have one now except she lives in Utah. Tbh the only thing I know about Utah is that they have the Jazz and Alex Smith went to college there lol. She's amazing and I said I wouldn't seriously go after her until I got over my past. Well I'm at that point so here we go. She accepts my flaws and doesn't fault me for them. It's so much more than that tho and I wanna be with here. Things aren't the greatest for either of us right now but with patience comes great things. I'm changing for the better and she's a big part of it. Until next time friends...

Song of the Day: The Reason - Hoobastank

Quote of the Day: "If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience." - George Bernard Shaw

My Thoughts Day 4

*Sighs* Today was trash lol. I missed work for the second time this week, the female I care about cussed me out, and my Eagles lost. On the other hand It's the weekend right? Well no, I have no car o go anywhere... I mentally wanted to check out today but she wouldn't let me. She's a gift and a curse I guess you can say. I need a haircut and some more shit. I want to put together a clothing line with a few people. It's hard work but I know with the right team It could get done. I wanna do a lot of things honestly, looking to start them by the end of the day. Well besides a meltdown and arguing the day was dry. So with that being said I'm watching Bad Santa lmao. R.I.P. John Ritter and Bernie Mac.

Song of the Day: Sunday Morning - Maroon 5

Quote of the Day: “Was it you or I who stumbled first? It does not matter. The one of us who finds the strength to get up first, must help the other.”
― Vera Nazarian

My Thoughts Day 3

Today was horrible(Which is becoming a trend), the management at my job are morons. It can't be that difficult to make sure we have the parts we need to build kits. Anyway things just got worst because my transportation is gone. Got two new bills this week and I had to miss work on Monday. All I wanna do is work and make money and now that's compromised. Life gets so hard at times man, sometimes I don't wanna deal with it. Wish I could go back to being a kid or something. I always wondered who's there when the hero needs a hero? I've been having dreams well more like nightmares all this week. I had a dream that I murdered my little brother which Is crazy because that's my heart. I've cut back on the One Tree Hill which is good I guess. Last night I talked to the female I care about it was so much fun. First time I've had fun in a while lol. She's going through more shit than me yet she's there for me. I'm working on two songs that I think will turn out great. Football is back(well preseason anyway) that should serve as a good distraction. I just have to make it through this year then I'll be ok. Ready to move back home to Maryland, I miss it so much. This is noway to live, a weaker person would've ended It by now. I'm learning to cut people out of my life that only take and not give. My bro describes me as being "LeBron In Cleveland" because I always put the team on my back and solve all the problems. Well to keep It real I'm tired of it, especially when I'm never looked out for. I'll get tired of it and change I guess. Need to get away this weekend, hopefully I can go chill with my homegirl. She's cool ass shit and she has this big ass smile which is cute lol. Well my friends I need to go clear my head. So until we meet again, It's been real.

Song of the Day: Hero - Nickleback

Quote of the Day: “There are going to be times when you learn more about the world you’re entering and feel defeated when you see the gap between the ideal and the reality… But that’s something we’ll all face. The people that face those obstacles and overcome them are people whose dreams come true.”  ― Tsugumi Ohba

My Thoughts Day 2

Well I came back, didn't think I would lol. Morning started rough, so rough smh. I was a hour late for work after waking up late. Since I was 18 I've always struggled with Insomnia and it sucks. I never go to sleep because my mind never stops working. I'm trapped by my thoughts and It's torture. Anyway I miss talking to my bestfriend Angelica... I miss her telling my my nuts would fall off from sleeping with so many females lol. I miss hanging out and laughing & geeking. It's been so long since we talked and It's weird. Life happens tho so what can you do? I can barely keep my eyes open now lol. Today was dry all i did was work which was actually good for once. I don't have much today I'm beat to be honest. I'll write some deep stuff tomorrow.

Song of the Day:  Bed Peace - Jhene' Aiko

Quote of the Day: "Everybody deserves happiness even if it causes someone else pain" -Me

My Thoughts Day 1